I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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