just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
