I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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