i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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