Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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