Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
