you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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