I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
