I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
