Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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