If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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