my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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