So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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