totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
