Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
