You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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