I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
The Olympian is in my bed
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
