My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
