I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
