My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
