after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
