Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Terrible idea I love it
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
