I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
