she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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