I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
