at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
