I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
