Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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