I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
