Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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