Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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