Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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