dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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