My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
