Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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