White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
