If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
