I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
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I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
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Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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