im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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