you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
