My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
