Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
