We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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