I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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