dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
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