What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
