i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
