Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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