Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
