its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
