i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
