I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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