Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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