Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
