how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I will pee on everything he values.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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