I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
your like the ambassador to my penis.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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