Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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