The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
