"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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