Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
