the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
